The Next "BIG" Event

Most days I don't feel like I am 26 years old. On the day they handed me Lucy I really didn't feel like I was only four years away from 30. I felt like I was 10 and desperately wanted my mom by my side...forever. Lucy was a hard baby. Very colicky and had a lot of issues with sleeping and eating. And the very obvious issue -- a mom who had no clue what she was doing!

For a normally not very emotional person, I cried A LOT in those first few weeks. It has been the greatest and most difficult challenge in my life thus far. Although I don't wish to relive those early days, I did learn several things that I wouldn't have learned any other way. 

1) My husband loves me with sacrificial love. He took care of Lucy from 9pm or 10pm every night until her 2am feeding, so I could get at least 4 hours of sleep each night. Not just for the first week...for the first three months! He doesn't like me to brag on him, but that deserves a round of applause! All the while still going to work in the morning. Were we both still tired? Yes. Was he speaking my love language? Yes! Was I more in love with him than ever? YES!

2) I learned that I will ALWAYS need my mom. She came and stayed with us for several days, as I recovered from a c-section and began the heavy task of "learning" my baby and my new body. It was hard, messy, tiring, and very often frustrating. More than once after she went home, I called her in the wee hours of the morning not sure of myself and needing some words of comfort and encouragement from a "veteran". And the crazy thing? She ALWAYS answered. Even when I babbled incoherently with tears streaming down my face...honestly, I'm not sure if I even knew what I was saying sometimes...ha!

3) I am not a nice person at 2am with a screaming baby in my arms, puke down the front of my nightgown, and projectile poop spritzed across my face and glasses. Sorry, honey...

This is the exact look that Lucy gives me... "Gotcha, mom!"

Being a mom has a lot of ups and downs. On one hand you dream and beg God for 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep. On the other hand you silently cry in the dark of the nursery, when you find your babe sleeping peacefully 7 hours after she went to bed. I have a secret...

Come in really close, so I can tell you...

...even closer...

I hate when people say I "I told you so," but the truth is... I'm going to miss these days (gulp) and nights. She will never be 7lbs. 13oz. ever again. She will one day sleep without needing to nurse or be rocked or sang to. When that day comes, I will grieve a bit, I know. And at each step toward her new independence, I will wish to hold her back in my arms again so tiny and pink.

You see, I have this crippling disease of living my life waiting for the "next stage." I have done it since I was a child. Always living in fear or anticipation of the next "big" event. The most dangerous aspect of living your life this way is that you miss out on the big events of today. My prayer and my heart is to slow down a bit. To not begrudge her cries for attention, her desire to be held and nursed "just because," or the poopy diapers that make my eyes water... The next big event is waking up at 3am and nursing that little one! The next big event is catching her eye across the room and making googly eyes! The next big event is tickling ten little toes! The next big event? Being the woman God wants me to be -- a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. And remembering why I hung I Samuel 1:27 in Lucy's room:

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me

my petition which I asked of him."